AMERICAN QUESTION Help me out here. This story broke a couple of days ago and didn't look too interesting. When I was in school by best friend was fucking the English teacher too. But I finally got around to looking at the Smoking Gun entry and was surprised to see that the wet for teen cock teach was a READING teacher. So please email me and explain what that means. The kid is 14 and she was teaching him how to read? When I was maybe 6 we had an hour or so a day at school where you had to read for the teacher to make sure you weren't retarded but why would you employ a teacher whose sole skill was reading? Is this like 'driver ed' where you get credits for driving around the playground? Do American kids sit in a room reading for a few hours a day? Can they read magazines? Do they read aloud? Who teaches READING to 14 year olds apart from the horny blonde floozy types? Can you get a degree in just reading? Is this one of the classes that the President flunked? If there are reading teachers are there also speaking teachers? Walking teachers? Running teachers? Jumping teachers? Standing still teachers? The British need to know. Mike is blogging to: Black Sabbath

ANU Duncan has updated his blog out in Ethiopia: Mike is blogging to: The Illegal Art Compilation

"IT TOOK THE IDIOT FOUR TIMES..." I keep forgetting to mention Freon's blog. Go read it now. It has a great piece on an artist fucking an art collector, filming the old in and out and then selling the video on as art. Go back through the archives and find the photo of a dying bull: The rider carried a spear. The bull charged the horse and the rider drove the spear into the bull's back. The blood poured from the wound. The crowd, mostly American, had been cheering and yelling ole. When they saw the blood a silence set in and lasted to the last second. The bull started having trouble breathing and moving. The next 15 minutes were the matador putting on a show. And when it came down to driving the sword into the bulls spine, it took the idiot four tries. The crowd watched in silence as the bull fell and twitched on the ground, blood oozing out his nose. Nobody clapped. Mike is blogging to: The Sex Pistols

DIE PUNY LOGO Warren asked people to redesign the logo for DPH. My friend Corran came up with this: The new logos appear randomly whenever you go to DPH but there is a full list of the new ones here. My own effort is in there: If you have a thing about monkeys then open up photoshop and have a go Mike is blogging to: Turbonegro

YING XIONG Back. We watched Hero last night. I've had my eye on it since we saw it trailered in just about every DVD places that we wandered into in Japan at the beginning of the year. It's due a cinema release here and in the states soon but is pretty easy to pick up on region 3 DVD as it was made a couple of years ago. The American trailer is very misleading and has a ridiculous voice over - it does its best to mould Hero into Lord of the Rings Part IV. It's much closer to Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon but surpasses that movie on all fronts. There is a certain amount of digital effects but they are used to support the story rather than pad it out as with most western CGI effects. I do have a soft spot for Crouching Tiger but I felt that Chow Yun Fat was out of his depth and the overall feel of the movie was too much of a hodge podge of better Hong Kong cinema. Hero gets it right from the very beginning and has much more emotional depth. The story is partly told in flashback like Rashomon. Working out what is true and what is not is part of the fun. As is seeing Donnie Yen and Jet Li fight in the rain in the movie's best martial arts sequence. I've been a fan of Donnie Yen for years and I get annoyed when I see him wasted in dross like Blade 2. He doesn't feature much in Hero but he sets the correct tone for the rest of the movie. The movie deals with legends and the effects and wire work reflect that without displacing the incredible skills of the actors. The sequence as the two warriors blast their way through slow motion raindrops is jaw droppingly good. Jet Li plays a warrior who has gained admission to the king by killing the assassins that have tried to kill him for years. The king listens to Li's story of how he dispatched each assassin (Yen, Tony Leung and Maggie Cheung) and then the tables are turned. We see different accounts of what may have happened to bring Li before the king, each one marked with bright primary colours and differing themes such as music and calligraphy. The colours do have a code but knowing it beforehand may spoil the movie as it never goes where you expect it to and leaves you stunned. If you live in London then it's easy enough to pick up the DVD in Chinatown. I would like to see Hero on a big screen but it's such a detailed movie that it works beautifully on the small screen and demands to be watched over and over again. Go see it. Mike is blogging to: nothing

OFF THE HOOK I have a deadline so today I will be out of reach. No phones, email, IMs or other web stuff until tomorrow unless your name is Jess. Mike is blogging to: Belly

WELL DONE PORTUGAL My fellow Englishmen You now have my permission to take down your pathetic little flags and all those free posters given away with The Sun and The News of The World. Try your best not to stab anyone and if you have to set fire to something try a few of your own horrible offspring. Thank you. You may resume crying into your lager and cursing all foreigners now. Mike is blogging to: Fugazi

YOU WISH YOU HAD MY EARS Admit it. Mike is blogging to: Supersnazz

FUCK REALPLAYER Audio preview MP3 Making of... Quicktime video Mike is blogging to: more of the same

DON'T PANIC What a monumentally crappy day that was. Glad to see the back of it. Roll on tomorrow and Radio 4 at 6.30pm for the return of The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy with the original cast (what's left of them). Clink on the link to see a nice behind the scenes segment and listen to a preview. Isn't it about time that the beeb came to it's senses and dumped Realplayer? PS I still have one or two gmail invites left... Mike is blogging to: Beastie Boys (and yes the new album has grown on me a lot)

GMAIL INVITES I have a BUNCH of g mail invites. Drop me a line and I'll send you one: mikesizemore@gmail.com First come first served. Mike is blogging to: Beastie Boys

ZEPPELIN! You would have thought after their kids had taken to cutting each others throats in class that Japanese school teachers may have stopped handing out knives in class: I wanted him to realize the importance of things, but I didn't think he really would write in blood. A Fukuoka teacher, after handing a pupil a paper cutter and ordering him to write an apology with his own blood for repeatedly sleeping in class. Speaking of Japan, our building was buzzed this morning by a Japanese Zeppelin. Quite a sight. Mike is blogging to: nothing

THE DUBYA ENDORSED SEVERED HEAD BACKPACK Mike is blogging to: Samhain

JAPAN TODAY QUOTES Japan owes much of its strength in competitive eating to the fact that TV shows put up big money, so people train themselves to a high level. World hot dog eating champ Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi, who is aiming to down 51 1/2 hot dogs in 12 minutes at this year's title defense at Coney Island on July 4. I don't know what kind of a mental image they've had of me; possibly that I had horns out of my head and a tail with a spear on the end of it. Enola Gay pilot Paul Tibbets, 89, who returned to Saipan this week for the first time since 1945. He's only 167 centimeters tall. All the actresses who've appeared with him know what a pipsqueak he really is. Showbiz reporter Kei Honda, saying SMAP heartthrob singer Takuya Kimura always wears elevator shoes. If you are scouted, please call station staff or the police. A frequent announcement at JR Hakata Station in Fukuoka Prefecture, warning young women against sex industry recruiters. Children lack the emotional development they need to cope with puberty and stray easily into irrational behavior. Psychologist Naoko Misawa, on the murder of a 12-year-old schoolgirl by her 11-year-old classmate in Sasebo. Chinese women make much better wives than their contemporary Japanese counterparts. A broker of international marriages. The average person can only read and write between 2,000 to 3,000 characters. Justice Ministry official Yoshikazu Nemura, on why Japanese law now confines names to a list of 2,232 characters. Contemporary women won't survive their golden years if they haven't learned to act independently and enjoy spending time alone. Social commentator Keiko Higuchi, on the increasing numbers of women enjoying going to restaurants and traveling alone. Meteorological Agency weathermen never look up at the sky. Toshio Nakazawa, a space industry analyst, saying weathermen put too much emphasis on computer data and satellite photos, and thus get it wrong often. We don't approve of excessive commercialism. Business enterprises should not be involved, and doctors should control themselves. Hideya Sakurai, vice president of the Japan Medical Association, criticising "medical malls," which provide various medical services at the same location. There is no country in the world that supports soft drinks like Japan. Coca-Cola spokesperson, explaining why the company chose Japan for the launch of its new C2 cola. If digital shoplifting keeps up, our books won't sell. Yoshihiro Maruoka, operator of Kobunkan Shoten bookstore, on people who use cell phone cameras to photograph pages of books and magazines. In the last few years, there's been an increase in men who can't view their wives as sexual partners. Actress Aya Sugimoto, who got a divorce last year on the grounds that her 11-year marriage had become sexless, and has now written a book about sex, titled "Orgasm Life." Neither politicians nor bureaucrats have shown any perspective on how to work out a future design for this society. Author Shinobu Yoshioka, on the way the government rammed the pension reform bill through the Diet. Japan can't change for the better until it becomes a place where everyone starts blogging. Newspaperman Junjiro Hara, a big fan of hot new weblog entrepreneur Joichi Ito. Mike is blogging to: Samhain

PAUL JOHNSON'S HEAD In case you were looking for it: Mike is blogging to: Throwing Muses

PULLMAN I am excited by this: Corran seems to have his fingers in ALL the best pies these days. Mike is blogging to: Tom Waits

SAFE! Yesterday was weird. You know the kind of day where you are explaining something about satellite dishes and then you throw your baseball glove out of the window to prove a point and then later in the day when you realise your baseball glove is being pecked at by a pigeon you have to climb through the window and balance on the window ledge five floors up to grab the glove before falling back in the room. One of those days. Mike is blogging to: Fluxblog mixarama

I'VE BEEN ILL So has Jess. Different ailments though oddly enough. Anyway, I am starting to feel more human. It was probably brought on by the crappy Constantine trailer. I'm way behind with my email but I'll try and get through some of the backlog now before I crash out again. Mike is blogging to: Balzac

HOLY FUCK Remember I said I was off to meet EEL FANS in the pub? I always wanted to be a superhero. I finally got my wish: EELGUY This is what happens when you agree to meet strangers in the pub. Mike is blogging to: hysterical blondes

SIZEMORE INC. I had a couple of days away from the interweb. I had no idea it was so sunny out. We have blinds now and while they are only a stopgap before I finally unleash my plan to snuff out the sun and it's screen glaring rays they are the business. So yesterday and today I finally got around to sorting out the box room. It has been for several month now the room where we throw all the boxes - hence the name. The boxes were filled with crap that I could never be bothered to sort out but I got through them yesterday. I chucked out maybe 75% of my old college and university writing so that cleared up a lot of space. Today I built a desk. So now we have an office. Kind of. Maybe I need a secretary. I feel sorry for the neighbours. Up until today the downstairs portion of the flat was the quiet floor. We just sleep there. Now I am ambinoisetrous. There's no escape from my SOUNDTRACK. Mike is blogging to: Danzig and the muffled sound of tiny fists banging on walls

WAKE FOR A MATE No idea who the first support band where but they sucked. Yourcodenameis:Milo were excellent though and I want to see them again. Funeral for a Friend were as good as they were last time I saw them and benefited from the tiny venue. It was packed with 300+ screaming teenagers which meant I had a nice view because everyone was hobbit sized. Even Jess felt old though. I felt like a fucking ghost. PP Rich is now on his way back to San Antonio. I think his plane gets into Houston around 10pm my time. Nice guy - it was fun hanging out with him. Before the gig we met up with Kristian and Joel - two Australians who were curious about 'the eel guy' and wanted to meet up to buy me a drink. It turned out that the eels made Kristian homeless so that was a bit of a result. Thankfully he didn't try and stab me or anything. Instead we drank and ate around Camden while discussing the merits of bad American sci fi and our hopes for the new Dr Who. Billie fucking Piper. Today we are spending the day with Jess' family... I am taking many gadgets to keep me sane. Mike is blogging to: Mix CDs

DEAD TIME FOR BONZO 2: DIE DROOLING Quick couple of words to all the Reagan fans who were a touch miffed at my little jig on his coffin: GET CANCER Noam Chomsky: There was something similar after the JFK assassination, but of course the assassination of a living president is quite different. I don't recall anything else remotely similar, perhaps since FDR, in the midst of a war, and of course he really was a significant figure, whatever one's judgment of him. Reagan is another story: mostly a PR creation in the first place, and massively so in recent years. During his years in office, Reagan was not particularly popular. Gallup just published poll figures comparing him during office with other presidents. His average ratings during his years in office were below Kennedy, Johnson, Bush I, and Clinton; above Nixon, Ford, Carter. This is averages during their terms in office. By 1992 he was ranked just next to Nixon as the most unpopular living ex-president. Since then there has been an immense PR campaign to convert him into a revered and historic figure, if not semi-divine, and it's doubtless had an effect, radically shifting the rankings. Not on the basis of facts: rather, extremely effective marketing. The current performance is reminiscent of the death of Hirohito and Soviet leaders. One of the more depraved moments of US media. The lying is quite impressive, even by people who surely know better. (via Counterpunch) Quit letting the media do the thinking for you. Mike is blogging to: Japanese noise

WILD PINK MCCABE AND STRAWBERRY MIKE Apparently the Japanese have governmental restrictions on their names: The (Japanese) government should allow the use of 578 more Chinese characters for personal names, including ones meaning strawberry, seagull, sparrow, bellflower or wild pink, a government panel recommended Friday. Japanese names formed by kanji Chinese characters must contain approved characters upon registration. The government currently allows only 2,232 characters for personal names. Strange. Tomorrow we are off to see Funeral for a Friend play some 'secret' gig at The Underworld under the name Wake for a Mate. I saw them a while ago at the Astoria and they were great (much better than the lame arsed over produced CD) so it should be good to see them at a tiny venue. Cheers to PP Rich for the tickets. We are also meeting up with some new friends for a couple of drinks before hand. This is well worth a look: Ashcroft mauling Mike is blogging to: Anthrax

RETURNER I did my good deed for the day. I sent Jeff's Imperial Dogs link over to Boing Boing and Cory linked it up: Imperial Dogs is a work-in-progress mashup of Star Wars with Reservoir Dogs, from Studio Creations, who also brought us the Star Wars/Clerks mashup "Trooper Clerks." There are some sweet songs (Stuck in a Room with R2!) stills and animations up now My reward was to watch Taka Yamazaki's Returner - a mixture of Terminator/Independence Day/Matrix style action complete with Transformers and Tibetan monks. This is a 747 about to turn into an alien spaceship: Very cool. Does anyone even bother to watch Hollywood movies anymore? Mike is blogging to: Black Flag

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE Three of my campaign slogans have now been added to the Bush/Zombie Reagan site. A fully fledged PETA member endorsing eel eating and now an ultra left winger helping Bush get re-elected. It's been a topsy turvy week. Mike is blogging to: Minor Threat

IMPERIAL DOGS So I got a LOT of feedback on the eels. One of the kinder comments came from Jeff over at Studio Creations. These are the guys behind Trooper Clerks - something I've been a fan of for years. I was very happy to see that Jeff has been working on a Reservoir Dogs riffed Star Wars project: Please go there now and download the music video for Stuck in a room with Artoo. You will not be disappointed and watching something nice and worksafe will make a pleasant change. Mike is blogging to: Minor Threat

CHASING CORY I have worked out how to stalk Cory Doctorow using only amusing place names. Cory linked this site up over on Boing Boing and listed the amusing places in his vacinity. Doing likewise I found that we were within spitting distance of one another. We are both close to Mincing Lane and Cock Pond. But I would have to cross Pratt's Bottom to get to Tyttenhanger and whereas he has to navigate Herbert's Hole via Claggy Cott I have to go the Nasty way. I wonder if we could arrange to meet for a coffee in Titsey Park? Mike is blogging to: John Carpenter soundtracks

THE RED ROOM A web site belonging to the 11-year-old girl in custody for killing a classmate at a primary school in Sasebo, Nagasaki Prefecture, was linked to a site featuring a horror story, investigative sources said Wednesday. Investigators will look into how often the girl accessed the site that features a short story titled "The Red Room," in which a boy is slashed to death. On the first page is a disclaimer warning that the tale is "considerably scary" and that people with weak hearts should not access it. Reading that I couldn't help think of the movie Suicide Club which features a wave of teen suicides that are somehow linked to a website that seems able to predict the next group of splattered teens. One thing that the movie does well (aside from showing 50 or so schoolgirls holding hands and jumping in front of a speeding train) is point out the difficulty that a bunch of older policemen have in working out the intricacies of teenage websites. It seems that the real police in Japan (or anywhere else I suppose) are in no way anymore clued up than their fictional counterparts. If anyone is interested the story mentioned can be 'read' here: The Red Room It's all in Japanese of course but if you just click your way through to the end I think you'll get the drift. Mike is blogging to: The Beach Boys

I'M SO SORRY The eels have spread far and wide it seems. Over 1000 downloads yesterday. Most people seem to have regretted seeing it judging from some of the stuff floating around forums, blogs and message boards: Two notes about this clip. 1. The page to which the link goes is Safe For Work (SFW), I think. However, the actual clip itself is not. Not Safe For Work, Not Safe For Home -- probably not safe for anywhere. Actually, I would probably suggest you go over to a friend's house that you only sort of like and watch it on his machine. 2. I think the animals in the clip are eels, but I'm not sure. What. The. FUCK. Ass eels. They do not belong in the same sentence. My brain will never be the same. Do not EVER click on the above link. Amazingly, I think the Japanese have topped themselves since (the Japanese ass omelette). And to make things worse, a Brit has added his two cents. My God, my God, my God. It's when the start flying out like fucking bullets... Lee, Joel and I were screaming "Nooooooooooo!" and then we were all like "ARGH!" and then we were like laughing and stuff. I knew I was going to hate that. But I didn't know it was going to make me hate you too. Kit, don't bother coming back to this country, because we will be waiting with pitchforks and burning torches you fucking fuck! I want you to die. I feel really really ill now. FUCK! I dont think I have ever been this scared to click a link. It's like a sickness... it has to spread. DEDICADO A TODOS OS ULTRA-IRRITADI�OS PROFISSIONAIS DE TECNOLOGIA DE INFORM�TICA - isso vai acalmar voc�s: lembra do v�deo das japas com enguias? que tal um remix ao som de KLF? Mike Sizemore has it. I do indeed. Mike is blogging to: Jawbreaker

METAL IS MY SHEPHERD DETONATOR TV "The world�s first broadband television channel devoted entirely to rock and metal." (via Warren) Mike is blogging to: Exodus

HELLO PUNY HUMANS Warren just linked up my Cthulhu KLF Japanese porn mix. God bless his twisted little beard. If things stop working here you know why. Mike is blogging to: Faith No More

FISHING IN THE RIVERS OF LIFE This combines my love of Japanese weirdness, naked girls, Tammy Wynette and the KLF: Right click and Save Target As... It is way beyond 'work safe'. In some cases this could be life threatening. I blame Microsoft for giving me the software, Warren Ellis for giving me the footage and God for just not being around enough when I was growing up. Enjoy. Mike is blogging to: The Eels (of course)

MEET ME IN MONTAUK My friend Steveo pointed me in the direction of The Corporation and it looks great. Doesn't seem to be due a UK release yet though. We finally got around to watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind yesterday and have to agree with everyone else. Great movie. Pity there wasn't some terrible accident that killed Jim Carey on his last day of shooting. We could have then mourned the potential of his acting instead of having to suffer the murdering of the Lemony Snicket books... Tonight we are off to see the premiere of this: There's also a panel discussion with the likes of Dave Gibbons: and David Lloyd: Fanboy heaven. PS I have a new mobile at long last. The old number has been out of commission for ages. Sorry to anyone who's been trying to get a hold of me. You can send your annoyance via SMS to this number: 07963 840 530 Mike is blogging to: Luis Bacalov

BEDTIME FOR BONZO

REAGAN IS DEAD! And he was always my favourite Spitting Image puppet. Still. Good fucking riddance. Let's hope Thatcher is close behind. Maybe we can get Hinckley to have a pop at Bush now... Mike is blogging to: BBC News 24

YOU CAN MAKE PEOPLE DO ANYTHING IF THEY'RE AFRAID Quit watching Big Brother for five minutes. The trailer for Fahrenheit 911 went up today. The demand has knocked the site offline but you can keep trying to see it here. In the meantime I have found a windows media version and am hosting it myself. Right click and Save Target As: FAHRENHEIT 911 TRAILER Enjoy. Mike is blogging to: Goblin

FUCK AND BLAST IT The Dickies just cancelled their show at the Garage. Mike is blogging to: The Ramones

ERM... TOKYO � Disaster management minister Kiichi Inoue suggested Friday that women's social advancement is to blame for a recent murder case in which an 11-year-old girl admitted to killing her classmate at a primary school in Sasebo, Nagasaki Prefecture. "It seems to show that assertive women are increasing," the 72-year-old Inoue told a press conference, referring to the Sasebo case. "It must be the first such case involving a girl," he said. "The gap between men and women appears to be have been narrowing recently." Chief Cabinet Secretary Hiroyuki Hosoda acknowledged during a separate news conference that Inoue's comments were inappropriate, "I don't think the matter of male or female has something to do with the fundamental debate" on the incident. The girl, whose name has been withheld because she is a minor, has told her lawyers that she killed Satomi Mitarai, 12, by slashing her neck with a paper cutter because Mitarai had written negative messages about her on an Internet bulletin board. According to investigative sources, the girl is believed to have decided to attack the victim several days before the incident, and used her hands to cover the victim's eyes during the attack. "I tried to blindfold her with a towel, but she refused, so I did it with my hands," (Kyodo News) Mike is blogging to: Consolidated

NON HO SONNO Another interview is in the bag. I think tomorrow will all be about the Moviedrome. Tonight I am off to the Crobar with Jess, Dan, Esther and PP Rich. Last night we watched an old Argento movie and now I am on a Giallo kick. Did you know that Goblin released a prog-rock concept album about the fantastic voyage of a beetle named Mark? It was called Il Fantastico Viaggio del Bagarozzo Mark. I wonder if I could persuade them to add it to the Crobar jukebox? Mike is blogging to: Goblin

101 I am thinking about going to Iceland. They rob banks with axes in Iceland... A man armed with an axe robbed a bank in Grafarvogur on Friday, only to be run down afterwards by a passer-by. They also have horizontal snow: And you can get a flight for just over �100. Hmmmmmmm Mike is blogging to: News 24

VIOLENT PARADISE By the end of this week I should be able to give an update as to where we are with Dog Tower. It's all coming together nicely. Sunday night we interviewed Balzac from Japan: The whole thing was done via a translator and had the same vibe to it as the filming of the Suntory ad in Lost in Translation. Hirosuke was a nice guy and they played a great show afterwards - there were a lot of Japanese kids in the mix and it was fun to see them giving as good as they got in a pit full of six foot guys with mohawks. We filmed the interview and a couple of songs from all of the bands on stage that night so once I've sorted out the footage I'll find some way of using it either here or on the Dog Tower site. If you get the chance you should try and see both Sick On The Bus and The Foamers. So yesterday we had a Bank Holiday at the movies. As soon as there is a hint of sunshine the great British public plague all the green areas of London, exposing their dead white flesh and lumbering around like the undead. The cinema seemed like a safe hidey-hole. We saw Almodavar's Bad Education. Jess loved it but I found it dull. To be honest I think Almodavar started to lose it after Matador. I still love his early movies but all his new stuff seems bland by comparison. A quick drink in the Crobar and a walk with Daisy later and we stumbled across the premiere of The Cat's Meow. Eddie Izzard was on stage introducing it and did a hilarious Q&A afterwards which I caught on tape. Again I'll sort out the footage and find some way of sharing it. As you'd expect from Izzard it wasn't dull. The movie itself was a pleasant surprise. It's been out in the States for ages but bombed which says more about American audiences that it does the movie. Izzard plays Charlie Chaplin, just one of several famous guests spending a weekend on a boat to celebrate a birthday that ends in murder. It's on limited release now in London and you should give it a go. Mike is blogging to: Balzac