"NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED SHORTLY" Yeah right... Step one, you find a girl to love Step two, she falls in love with you Step three, you kiss and hold her tightly Yeah, that sure feels like heaven to me Eddie Cochran forgot to tell me about 'Step four'... Stupid dead fuck. Mike is blogging to: the gentle hum of Foyles

"HEY ESTHER!" This is how easy it is Mike is blogging to: nothing

"THEY SAY GOD MADE AUSTRALIA LAST, DON'T YOU KNOW, AFTER HE GOT TIRED OF MAKING EVERYTHING ELSE THE SAME" One of my friends, an Evil Chef in Australia, was asked to list any nicknames used for his work colleages, his own being Ass Cobra and this was his reply: "Georgie Porgie - cos he's so fucking OBESE; DD - Dana D; Cocksucking Fuckhead Shitforbrains - my nickname for Will; Annabanana - My wonderful Croatian kitchenhand; Rube - Reuben, a DIAMOND GENT; Joe Porno - My boss, recently grown a porno Mustache; The Flatchested Hairy Razorback - Our boss's Daughter, Head Waitress...also known as "The Little Princess"; Crayfish - Rachelle, one of the waitresses, so called because of "shit for brains, ass full of flesh". Scary Mary - Boss's Wife; MC - Myra, who organizes all the floorstaff, also a past State Kickboxing Champ, she has a steel plate in her head, great lady. Opium - Igor, the other kitchenhand. A "slow - moving dope". Nice guy though." The idea of getting across to Oz is growing on me after reading that. Speaking of Aussies, my good friend Frank was the guy who switched me onto George Pelecanos. He'll kick himself when he finds out that the man himself is reading and signing at his old favourite bookstore, Ottakar's, on Monday. Anyone who fancies it should pop in and grab a ticket or give 'em a bell on 020 79785844. Mike is blogging to: the Vertigo soundtrack

"SPOILIN' NICE FISH. GIVE IT TO US RAW AND WIGGLIN'. YOU KEEP NASTY CHIPS!" Anyone remember Lee Majors swimming for stolen jewels in a freshly piranha infested lake? I actually saw this movie at the Unit Four cinema in Wigan around 1980 or 81 as part of a double-bill with George & Mildred: The Movie. I wish I were kidding... damn I'm getting old. Mike is blogging to: nothing

�DO YOU HAVE A BIGGER BAG FOR MAPS AND ATLASES... SIR?� Reading about Doc�s antics in NYC has made me itchy to get back there. We may get back to San Francisco before the end of the year but we don�t have any real plans regarding the states. The idea of eventually moving there started cooling as soon as Bush started fucking around with civil liberties. I just heard today that missile launchers have been erected around Washington DC... So I guess we may manage to get across to Amsterdam for a weekend so that we can check out prospective flats and work out the best area to live in. After that Jess will be doing more than enough travelling for the two of us. She�s still sorting out the details of the trip but Mexico seems to be at least one of the places she�ll be hitting. Still no luck with the house. We are going to have a long chat with the estate agents on Friday and maybe bring someone else in to have a shot at selling it. Wandsworthia is slowly sapping us. Can�t wait to be out of this place. There still seems to be a lot of great places for sale around London Bridge but we aren�t going to look at anymore until this place is under offer. The new job at Foyles is making London bearable again. It�s a great place to work. I�ve been in and out of the place countless times over the years but it�s only now that I�ve got to grips with the size of it. There are whole sections I�ve never stumbled into before � in while carrying out the recent refurbishment workmen uncovered a lift that no one knew even existed. Another thing that makes it cool is the piranha tank in the children�s section! Are you reading this Phil? The KIDS want KILLER FISH. So far it�s been very laid back and I�m still finding my feet. It�s very much like the systems I was used to back at Ottakar�s � I get to see Reps, drink a lot of coffee and run the section pro-actively like a real bookseller again. The hours are reasonable, the people friendly and the customers interesting. On my first day I got to tussle with a shoplifter � normally I wouldn�t have got involved but this guy was trying to loosen the security guard�s grip on him by frailing around and knocking stuff flying. By the time the two were rolling around on the floor and freaking the customers out it seemed sensible to step in. The guy was a professional thief and well known in the area so I guess my conscience is clear but it turns out that the actor Richard Burton used to shoplift there too so at least the guy is in good company. Rather less style though. Jess almost persuaded me to go see some crappy American horror movie today but I resisted temptation. Now I can sit back for the DVD release of Dog Soldiers and the upcoming Bangkok Haunted: I�m working tomorrow and Friday but then off to the march on Saturday. America on Star Trek style Orange alert and tanks taking up valuable parking spaces at Heathrow... damn those pesky terrorists. At least things will get back to �normal� when we�ve levelled Baghdad... Mike is blogging to: Zodiac Mindwarp & The Love Reaction

"WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, YOU PRIMITIVE SCREWHEAD?" A few months ago I wrote some not very nice things about Greece. "Athens - the armpit of the world - a big pile of decaying marble atop a hill with japanese tourists climbing all over it is not something to be proud of. Place is filthy, polluted and full of fucking morons... burn it to the ground and you'll make Mike a happier guy!" Yesterday I got hatemail about it so just in case I'd got the wrong idea about the place I checked out the Kathimerini newspaper to see what was currently going on in Argyris Alexandrou's wonderful country: "An Iraklion court yesterday convicted a 37-year-old man to four months in jail for the fatal sexual assault on a fellow villager's goat nearly three years ago. Dimitris Kiousis, an Athenian living in the Cretan village of Sykologos, near Viannos, assaulted the goat of Manolis Restivakis in March 2000 to take revenge on his fellow villager whose animals kept grazing on his land..." In response to the email Argyris you don't need to worry - I'll only come back to your lovely 'clean' country if I ever get the urge to fuck a goat. Mike is blogging to: Columbo

"I SMELL LIKE SHOE POLISH" And back to the wonderfull world of books I go... Mike is blogging to: nothing

"YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE? YOU TALK TO ME" So if everything goes to plan this is going to be my last year in the UK for a while and I've been giving some thought to all the stuff that I would like to see before I set off for Amsterdam. It's been difficult to narrow this down. I mean this is England. Not only is it really really old it's just overflowing with culture, historic locations and pieces of iconic imagery. After careful consideration of all the things that England has to offer I have decided that there is one thing that I must see before quitting these shores. The original 1973 XB GT Ford Falcon Coupe 'Interceptor' from the Mad Max movies. After a varied history the car is now spending its retirement in Keswick, Cumbria of all places. It's in good company. Housed in the same place is the DeLorean from Back to the Future, Batmobiles from TV and the Tim Burton movies, Herbie, Bond's Aston Martins along with the Lotus Esprit, the van from The A Team, KITT from Knight Rider, Magnum's Ferrari, the Lotus 7 from The Prisoner and a bunch of other TV and Film memorabilia including the original three wheeler from Only Fools and Horses. All the other stuff is icing on the cake but my real interest is the Interceptor. I've been OD'ing recently on the Mad Max trilogy (yes even the Thunderdome debacle) and have been digging around into the filming, tracking down supporting actors and preparing myself for the perhaps unnecessary but still eagerly awaited Mad Max IV. It turns out that the original car survived both the first two movies (A replica was built for The Road Warrior and it was that one that was destroyed in the movie) only to be sold for scrap. No one had the heart to actually destroy it and it sat outside an Aussie scrap yard for three years before being rescued and sent off on a promotional tour before being finally brought over here. Maybe Keswick is where famous cars go to die... So in the next couple of months I'm planning to take a weekend trip to geek out and basically get over-excited in a celebrity car park. Anyone who wants to tag along drop me a line and we'll get all 'Jeremy Clarkson' together. Mike is blogging to: Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

"...AND IN THE DARKNESS BIND THEM" It's worse than we feared... Mike is blogging to: nothing

"I HAVE A LOVE IN MY LIFE. IT MAKES ME STRONGER THAN ANYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE" Here's something I had never considered I would ever have to say: Adam Sandler is a fucking genius We saw Punch Drunk Love last night. Wonderful movie. Where Magnolia was vast and breathtaking this is tighter and harder to get a handle on. It is a romantic comedy but it's a million miles away from that abortion of a movie with Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant that seems to be postered to every surface in London at the moment. This has a nasty streak of violence running through it and some of the best vehicular damage ever used to push two people together. Sandler is mind-blowing as the fuck-up with too much pudding (this part of the movie at least is based on a true story!) and the rest of the cast react to his lead perfectly. And then there is Philip Seymour Hoffman: Can anyone say the word 'fuck' as well as this guy? By far the best film I've seen so far this year. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"TELEFON" Matt Webb has a weblog called Interconnected. It seems he has even more time on his hands than me. Check this out: "At least in the UK, on the back of most food packaging is a tiny helpline phone number. About a year ago I called up a few to find out what they did. There's something intriguing about customer care lines. Rowntree's Fruit Pastilles Friendly. The sort of questions they get asked are: how much fat do pastilles contain? Are they vegetarian? (They aren't kosher.) Sainsbury's jam Wouldn't tell me anything. When asked what sort of questions they get asked, became paranoid. "Who are you? Where are you calling from?" I was just interested, I said, in what sort of questions they get asked. "Who are you? We can't tell you that. It's a secret." Flora Similar to Sainsbury's. Contents of questions to care line is secret. Happily sent me large amount of margarine propaganda. Polos Very friendly. Bloke who answered customer care line based in a portacabin on the factory floor, near the Polo making machine. Asked to describe it, he said it was a like a six barrel machine gun, shooting mints. Loud. Some premium marmalade company, jar obtained from Sainsbury's Customer care line number resolves to office secretary who obviously doesn't get these calls often. Refuses to believe my "what sort of questions to do you get" question is a real question. Demands to know my true purpose. Embarrassingly, I make up that I love marmalade and I'd love to know where to get more. "Tescos," she says, "or any supermarket," even more confused. Trying to get out of this hole, I claim I can't find it in supermarkets and I'd like to buy it direct. She takes my address, and later sends me their product list. Tate & Lyle I ask how sugar is made. Customer care put me through to a sugar factory. I ask how sugar is made. Factory put me through to the technical department. I ask how sugar is made. Technical department put me through to a sugar engineer. I ask how sugar is made. Sugar engineer asks me how much time I've got. I ask for the overview. Lovely sugar engineer spends nearly quarter of an hour talking me through the growing, shipping, refinement and chemical processes. My favourite. (This writeup prompted by a discussion in email where it turns out someone else used to phone Lucozade. It's not uncommon. My flatmate calls PizzaHut to thank them after we've had a particularly tasty pizza delivered.)" The phone is just sat there looking at me now... Mike is blogging to: The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack

"WE HAVEN'T QUITE DECIDED WHETHER HE COMMITTED SUICIDE OR DIED TRYING TO ESCAPE" In case you were wondering why I was still up... "Expressing a human need, I always wanted to write a book that ended with the word Mayonnaise." Fuck. I'm in awe... I've read Brautigan over and over and he still gets me everytime. Mike is blogging to: Rainbow

"................" The Boston Globe like the rest of the world's media is still running shuttle stories but they already had a "Columbia streaks toward Florida touchdown to end successful 16-day science mission" story in the bag before the shuttle break-up. It's offline now but its been cached here: The only problem of note was a pair of malfunctioning dehumidifiers. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"THAT LIMEY COCKSUCKER CAN ROT IN HELL FOR ALL I CARE!" So much for DVDs Fuck. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"PAINT IT BLACK" A couple of years ago I would walk past the National Physical Laboratory (NPL) in Teddington every day and wonder what the hell it was they got up to in there. I could have probably just rung the bell and asked but it was more fun to think they were up to something EVIL. It turns out they were making black things EVEN BLACKER: Researchers have created the blackest black ever made on Earth, by bubbling a shiny metal plate in nitric acid for a few seconds This is kind of cool. "What did you do at work today Dan?" "I chased up some invoices and ate a pie. What about you mate?" "Oh I made the blackest black ever made on Earth. And ate a pie." Mike is blogging to: nothing

"BACK OFF MAN. I'M A SCIENTIST!" Doc is in New York. I just caught up with his livejournal. The bastard is having too much fun and eating 'Dude Lebowski' pizzas. Here are the lines that jumped out at me: The highlight of this afternoon has been when I nearly cut off my own tongue with scissors I want to see some scenes from Ghostbusters - we're gonna pop into the New York Library and see if we can get slimed. A girl told me I was cute and then proceeded to give me chicken wings All the girls got bit by either squirrels or seagulls - which all drew blood Mike is blogging to: the Clerks soundtrack

"WHAT IS THE ANIMATRIX?" Click here for the trailer Mike is blogging to: Zappa

"HE'S NOT THE MESSIAH. HE'S A VERY NAUGHTY BOY!" Ex Python Terry Jones: "I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street" Mike is blogging to: Zappa

"THE POPE MUST DIE" People often to say to me: "Mike, what is is it that makes a good gig? Is it just the music or are the lyrics important too? What about stage presence and charisma? Is it simply a combination of all these things?" and I always reply with one word. Dinosaurs. Mike is blogging to: Gwar

"WHERE WE'RE FROM, THE BIRDS SING A PRETTY SONG AND THERE'S ALWAYS MUSIC IN THE AIR" Fun is going to be had on the following dates: 14th March ~ Anthrax 20th March ~ Throwing Muses 26th March ~ The Donnas Henry Rollins � 13th April Excellent. Mike is blogging to: Rise Above

"THE ART OF WAR" Seen this recently on TV? No? Well there's a reason for that. It's a piece by Picasso called the Guernica and a reproduction of it is currently hanging up at the entrance of the Security Council of the United Nations. Last week a large blue curtain was hung over it. It turns out that it stands directly behind where diplomats such as ambassador of the United States at the U.N. John Negroponte stand while talking to the press. It's also where Colin Powell will be standing to outline to us dummies exactly why war is a good thing. It seems that his message will be better understood if viewers are not distracted by scenes of women, children and animals being bombed... But hey, I'm sure that blue curtain is very nice... Mike is blogging to: nothing

"EVIL WOMAN DON'T YOU PLAY YOUR GAMES WITH ME" Sometimes the only thing that will do at 2am is really really loud music. Mike is blogging to: Sabbath - thanks to Todd for putting the idea in my head

"READ ALL ABOUT IT..." Lots of great stuff to read: The new edition of Bookslut has just gone up. Plenty to read there including my reviews of I'm Not Scared by Niccolo Ammaniti and Little Doors by Paul Di Filippo. Haruki Murakami has a short story up in The New Yorker: Ice Man. And not much to see yet but Duncan has a blog all set up and ready for Bahar Dar: hullahullu . A few videos have now found new homes but there are still plenty left... Mike is blogging to: nothing

"LOVELY JUBBLY" I just got offered a job at Foyles. Excellent. Mike is blogging to: Fugazi

"POSH PAWS" I'm getting rid of all my videos. So far I've only listed some of them but take a look and let me know if you want any. Mike is blogging to: Iggy

".............." Warren Ellis had this to say via 'bad signal': "Today, the Observer is reporting the thing no-one will want to hear -- that a veteran NASA engineer has been trying to warn NASA and the White House for the last couple of years about the likelihood of catastrophic failure due to mismanagement. The Shuttles are old boats, built by low-bidders on the old boy network. Boeing, who last week posted a year-on-year loss of half a billion dollars..." Ellis has been working on a new book dealing with space exploration. I saw the cover art a couple of weeks ago but forgot to post it. Seems fitting to put it up now. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"...................." This is so fucked up. I remember the thrill I got as a kid when I saw space shuttles being ferried around on the back of 747s. For some reason that seemed even more incredible than the fact that they could get into space and come back. I was gutted when I heard the news. As I've already remarked elsewhere the shuttle is one of the few American symbols that represents something different from commerce and war - I'm sure some people will make jokes (probably the same ones thay made in 1986) and others will see this as a blow for America and something to snigger at. Fuck them - the space programme needs to not only recover from this but also to be invested in anew. I'll be so pissed off if we haven't got to Mars before the time I drop dead. The shuttles, as awesome as they are, are around 21 years old... that's a cute age for girls but its hardly cutting edge anymore. I think the men and women strapping themselves into these things deserve a little more... Anyway... I'm sorry those seven astronauts died and I can't begin to imagine how the three people still on board the International Space Station begin to deal with this. Nothing else to say. Mike is blogging to: nothing