SIGNS Aries March 21 - April 20 You're getting a serious case of the rainy days blues, and it's starting to make you a little reckless. You left something behind last time but don't worry because they can't trace it back to you. Take time to rethink why you are doing this and whether a letter to the media is really a good idea. It may be that you want to get caught but if you want to make a career out of this then you need to remember what it was that led you to this in the first place. Good luck. Taurus April 21 - May 20 Psssst... Your little secret is about to be revealed. People will react in different ways and you may feel a little hurt by the end of the week. Take time over the weekend to get your affairs in order and then decide which option is best for you. If you want to take someone with you please try and pick someone elderly as school shootings are fast becoming a clich�. Gemini May 21 - June 21 You've been feeling pretty self-conscious lately and with good reason. Have you even looked in a mirror lately? What the fuck where you thinking? Get out of my sight before I pummel you. Cancer June 22 - July 22 You're a little annoyed that people keep calling you self absorbed lately. Fuck them. The only reason that they talk to you is because they want to be you. Buy yourself something expensive and rub it in their faces every chance you get. Leo July 23 - August 22 You've got yourself into hot water with your parents again. You have three options: 1. Remind them that they were young once and point out exactly what they used to do with their genitalia (just take a wild guess and you won't be too far off the mark). 2. Just suck it up and be patient, happy in the knowledge that they will die before you and then everything they worked so hard for will be yours to sell or throw away. 3. Tell your mom that your dad comes into your room at night and touches you. Virgo August 23 - September 22 You have the best star sign. In a perfect world being born a Virgo would automatically put you ahead of the pack but as it is you have to constantly remind the rest of the world how inferior they are. The first thing is to get yourself a blog. Libra September 23 - October 23 Your lucky number is 12 and be on the look out for a white door. And that thing you are worried about but are too scared to mention to the doctor? Cancer. You'll be dead in six months. Scorpio October 24 - November 22 Dude! You know that scene in Season four of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Willow finally realised she was full of hot she-love for Tara? This is your version of that moment. Except you are not as pretty as Willow and your Tara is an overweight German Shepherd called Mr Topps. Sagittarius November 23 - December 21 You've gone into self-improvement mode in a big way, which is super cool. It's great that you want to start washing, get a job, buy a new wardrobe and start taking an interest in the opposite sex - but maybe it's best if you pace yourself just a little. You first need to stop drinking the super strength cider and quit sleeping in the doorway of HMV. Letting the scabs heal on your veins may also be a step forward. Capricorn December 22 - January 20 You're having one of those what-am-I-going-to-be-when-I-grow-up crises that hit us all once in a while. I woudn't worry about it. Odds are whatever it is that you are destined to do will involve an office and a photocopier. This is why God also provided us with recreational drugs, an urge to procreate no matter how ugly we are and credit cards. Aquarius January 21 - February 19 You will enter the local Iron Wok cooking competition next week and win. This will lead to a hit TV show and by the end of the decade you will be living in LA and making movies. The next ten years things go from strength to strength and you turn to directing and writing. By 2020 things are on the slide and you make the mistake of hitting on a teenage co-star. The papers get a hold of it and the next thing you know you are divorced and lose everything after the paparazzi catch you slapping your daughter. You move back to your home town to find your old home has been turned into a coffee shop and you drink vodka in a cheap B&B while watching your old TV shows on UKGold. A year of this and you are ready to end it all but fate steps in and drops you in the path of a double decker bus. You are still alive when they cut you out but die in the ambulance. Your obituary skips the last ten years or so and concentrates on the time that you were a masturbatory fantasy for teenagers but you miss the tributes as there is no afterlife. Pisces February 20 - March 20 I bet you wished you hadn't read your sister's diary now. Mike is blogging to: Devo