Doctor Who season finale... I thought we were getting Daleks not reality TV gags... Here's what we should be seeing on the BBC: The Doctor (brushing a speck of brain matter off his lapel): So that's that sorted Rose: But what about Jack? Can't he come with us? Doctor (shaking his head): He's a liability and he can't be trusted. Rose: But... The Doctor: No buts. Your boyfriends are trouble. You have terrible taste in men. Jack rushes up with a beeping black metal box. Jack: Heads up, incoming! Rose: What's coming in where? Jack: Temporal distortion... we have a visitor. A familiar wheezing fills the air. Rose looks on in disbelief as a slightly battered blue telephone box materialises in front of them. As Jack and Rose look on the Doctor frantically starts searching his pockets. Rose: It's a TARDIS. Jack: But I thought there was only one Timelord left? The newly arrived TARDIS door opens and a shambolic figure emerges. He's young and slightly androgenous, wearing a DEAD KENNEDYS t-shirt under an expensive looking pin striped jacket. When he speaks he has an accent that is British but hard to place. The Stranger: There is only one Timelord left. Me. Rose: Doctor? He ignores her, trying to dig something from the lining of his jacket. He's sweating. The Stranger (to Rose): I'm sorry. Have we met? Jack: I have a bad feeling about th... The Doctor pulls a small but lethal looking firearm from his jacket and ATOMISES Captain Jack who doesn't even have time to scream. Rose (falling backwards away from the Doctor in slow motion): Nooooooooo The Stranger (with disgust): There was no need for that. The Doctor: There was every need. I've had that piece of rearbait sniffing around me for too long. I thought he was YOU for a while. The Stranger (looking at the second TARDIS in the distance): You fixed your chameleon circuit... but why would you... Rose (crying, quietly): Doctor? The stranger realises that Rose is talking not to him, but the man he has been chasing for the better part of two years. The Stranger: Oh no... you told her... The Doctor: That I was you. An Adventurer! These monkeys are even stupider than they look... The stranger kneels down by Rose and looks sadly into her eyes. Rose: I don't understand... he killed Jack... but he's... The Stranger: The Doctor? Rose nods. The Stranger: I'm afraid he's lied to you. That's what he does. Rose (angry suddenly): Then who THE FUCK is he? The Doctor: Temper temper. And mind your language. (grinning) This is a family show. The Stranger: I'm afraid that he's The Master. He is a Timelord, but he's a renegade... he's the reason the rest of my people are dead. Rose: Your people? The Stranger: I'M The Doctor... The screen fills with Rose's horror filled face. The familiar theme tune begins to play... Suddenly Rose is knocked backwards, all mouth and breasts. The Master is in charge now. The Master: ENOUGH of that shit. He fires a shot off camera and a blood curdling scream replaces the theme tune. The REAL Doctor gains his footing and begins to speak. CUT TO a close up of The Master's steel toe capped boot crushing The REAL Doctor's REAL testicles. All three of them The Doctor: Ooof The Master reaches down and grabs Rose by the hair and drags her kicking and screaming to his own TARDIS. The fucking MASTER: Now we'll show you EXACTLY how something can be bigger on the inside than the outside, you cock-teasing monkey bitch... Rose is dragged into the TARDIS that shimmers briefly as its door closes, resolving into the shape of an ornate pillar before disappearing with the familiar wheezing of cancerous lungs. The Doctor is left struggling for breath and spitting blood. A fine ash, all that remains of Captain Jack, has settled over him and he already looks like yesterday's hero... The Doctor: Fuck! >>>>>>>>>>>> The BBC should be paying me bags of gold for this stuff... Mike is writing to: The Orbital