"IT'S NOT A LIE. IT'S A GIFT FOR FICTION" I went out for breakfast this morning to avoid the next group of people coming round to look at the house (buy it you bastards) and managed to bash out a rough plot for my entry into National Novel Writing Month. Now I actually know what I'll be writing about I've come up with a slightly better name for the thing than Widescreen. Although, of course this may, and probably will, change before the end of November but as it stands the thing will be called Foolscap. Seeing as I've got so much on at the moment I've decided to try and write the full 50,000 words on a PSION rivo This means I can keep the 'novel' in my pocket and add to it on the tube, at work, wherever... I've also decided that I need some new music before I can write anything decent - so in the best tradition of avoiding deadlines by running in the opposite direction I'm going to nip out and buy some new noisy guitar stuff. After that I need to finish off my piece for Brindled and start the review for this month's Bookslut... fuck Mike is blogging to: nothing cos all his music sucks...

"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS THAT? IT'S LIKE SOME SORT OF SUPERHERO OR SOMETHING" Donnie Darko. Best film I've seen since Dog Soldiers. Loads of referencing too - from Scorsese to Jimmy Stewart, nice homage to ET, Dr Carter and Drew Barrymore, beautiful nod to An American Werewolf, time travel and the sexual aspects of smurfs and Married with Children... awsome Saw Jason Issacs interviewed this morning. Had some touching things to say about Richard Harris (did you see that old Parkinson interview???) and came across as an all round good guy. He was the best thing in The Patriot, very cool in Black Hawk Down & Event Horizon so we won't hold Harry Potter against him. He may even be able to save the next Resident Evil movie... Mike is blogging to: nothing

"STICKIN YOUR TONGUE IN THE HOLIEST OF HOLIES AIN'T THE SAME FUCKIN BALLPARK, IT AIN'T THE SAME LEAGUE, IT AIN'T EVEN THE SAME FUCKIN SPORT" Best email I've had in a while: "You were responsible for the most boring innings I ever saw in my life dude. But I respect the fact that you're a book reviewer." Of course it was a boring innings. It was cricket. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"THE CRICKETS AND THE RUST BEETLES SCUTTLED AMONG THE NETTLES OF THE SAGE THICKET. "VAMANOS, AMIGOS," HE WHISPERED, AND THREW THE BUSTED LEATHER FLINTCRAW OVER THE LOOSE WEAVE OF THE SADDLECOCK. AND THEY RODE ON IN THE FRISCALATING DUSKLIGHT". Feel like I've been at work forever... next day off is Wednesday. Only got home at midnight and am due back there at 9am this morning. Totally forgot that the clocks went back so here I am with a spare hour... I just registered for National Novel Writing Month, although because I'm in the UK I guess that should read International: So the idea is to start writing the novel this Friday and have it wrapped up before December 1st. Still no idea what it's going to be about but the working title is Widescreen - god I get imaginative first thing in a morning... be thankful it's not called Computer Monitor, Black n White Cat or Sleepy Girlfriend I started working on my piece for Brindled last night - it's got something to do with 'lad culture' and Dr Seuss. Still not finished The Piano Tuner but need to get it reviewed before the end of the month - great read though. What else? We put an offer in on a beautiful flat - a converted warehouse close to London Bridge but it's probably too early to get too excited. We may not even get to move until January. Going to try and see Donnie Darko later today - looking forward to that... Mike is blogging to: Bright Eyes

"ANYTHING MORE THAN A WHISPER AND IT WOULD VANISH..." There was a lot I wanted to do this evening but I just heard that Richard Harris died... Fuck... Mike is blogging to: a very large drink...

"THIS IS THE REASON BALD HEADED MEN ARE UPTIGHT" Just saw xXx. I'm trying not to be too hard, after all it is a movie aimed squarely at the Nu-Metal pre-teen market but still... favourite moments have to be the scene of our bald hero peering at a brick wall with a pair of binoculars or perhaps the excellent sequence where he blew up a large pile of potatoes. Bit of a failed opportunity though - for a moment there it looked like they'd based the hero on MTV's Jackass but then he gets altogether too extreme-sporty. Wouldn't it have made for a better movie if the bad guys were being pursued throughout by a semi-naked fool in an out of control shopping trolley? I also appreciated the way that the scriptwriter liked the word 'submarine' in his story but never bothered to look up what one actually was - here's a clue - the Gerry Anderson creation at the end of the movie was supposed to go under the water... Oh well. He'd still make a good Kojak. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"CHEAP, BUT NOT AS CHEAP AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND" Mike is blogging to: Technical Ecstasyby Black Sabbath

"I FIND THEIR CHOICE OF PRIZE HIGHLY ILLOGICAL, AS THE AVERAGE TREKKER HAS NO NEED OF A MEDIUM SIZE BELT" 'Life of Pi' just won the Booker prize - yeah! We also started selling 'The Little Friend' today - already flying out like hot cakes. All should push more traffic onto Jessa's site. Cool. House hunting again tomorrow... Mike is blogging to: Never Say Die by Black Sabbath

"I'M A FUEL INJECTED SUICIDE MACHINE" So the excerpts from Kurt Cobain's journals are finally online - oh be still my trembling heart... "I like punk rock. I like girls with weird eyes. I like drugs. (But my Body And mind won�t allow me to take them). I like passion. I like playing my cards wrong. I like vinyl. I like to feel guilty for being a white, American male. I love to sleep. I like to taunt small, barking dogs in parked cars. I like to make people feel happy and superior in their reaction towards my appearance. I like to have strong opinions with nothing to back them up with besides my primal sincerity. I like sincerity. I lack sincerity ... I like to complain and do nothing to make things better. I like to blame my parents generation for coming so close to social change then giving up after a few successful efforts by the media & Government to deface the movement by using Mansons and other Hippie representatives as propaganda examples on how they were nothing but unpatriotic, communist, satanic, inhuman diseases. and in turn the baby boomers become the ultimate, conforming, Yuppie hypocrites a generation has ever produced." Er... may we add 'I like the idea of marrying a slut who smells like piss before I take the front of my face off with a shotgun when the pressure of MTV gets too much for me..." Twat. Mike is blogging to: Come In and Burn by The Rollins Band

"DESIGNED TO SUPPORT OUR WEIGHT FOR A LIFETIME OF SITTING, IT ALSO HAS THE SUBTLETY TO DO THE SAMBA" Things are slowly getting back on track. For a while there Jess and I came really close to calling it a day - in fact I think at one point we may well have actually split up - anyway, after much talking (and much more to come) it looks like we are going to make another go at it. Thanks for all the support and advice and occasionally sniggering email. It's been a rough couple of weeks for both of us but its really nice to relax again with one another. We went to Carol & David's wedding yesterday which was a very sweet affair. Most of the guests were musicians so the music during the reception was of course excellent finishing in a large and loud jamming session - good stuff. Had to ditch work again on Saturday - another attack in the North, which I won't go into here because the whole thing is ridiculous beyond belief. Nothing to say about it really and that should bring you guys pretty much up to date. So the next thing you guys should be checking out is a new zine called Brindled. As soon as I speak to Rikki I'll see if he'll let me throw a couple of pages up here for public consumption. The pilot/preview issue is out now but as soon as I get more details on issue one I'll let you know. If you want to ask Rikki about it then you can drop him a line here. I'm about half way through The Piano Tuner which I'll be reviewing for the next issue of BookSlut. I'm a little out of touch with things after the last week but give me a day or two and I'll be back on top of all this crap. Nothing else to report... Mike is blogging to: Come In and Burn by The Rollins Band

"MY TOMATO'S BURST!" Here was I thinking myself the height of wit by calling the guy with the pointy ears Leggy-Lass but someone has gone one step better: Lego-las Mike is blogging to: Bobby Conn

"THAT'S WHY "HELICOPTERS" WERE NOT "DEPLOYED"" I got another email today asking me why it is that I'm still planning to live in America for a time if I hate the place. Easy - I don't hate America. I'm anti the current American government and I'm very outspoken about the things that I think are fucked up over there. I'm just as outspoken about the things that are fucked up over here. Some American ideals drive me nuts - the right to bare arms for example - how difficult is it to see that the amount of weaponry available in the US has something to do with the level of gun crime - the Washington Sniper wouldn't be the media icon he is today if he had no gun. Anyway, I'm getting off the point. I don't hate America and I don't hate Americans. I have a lot of good friends over there and I'm happy to say that they don't all conform to the Bush view of the world. This is reinforced by an article in today's Guardian. Stop groaning - I know exactly how left wing I am thankyou. Anyway you should check out I'm an American tired of American lies. I saw Woody Harrelson on stage last month in On An Average Day with Kyle MacLachlan. I went because I'm a mad Twin Peaks fan and wanted to see 'Agent Cooper' up on stage. As I think I said at the time MacLachlan did a great job of reacting but the play belonged to Harrelson - the guy was a livewire. Excellent stuff. It was really refreshing to read his opinion on Iraq and American (& British) attitudes to what is going on in the world - a lot of the time we give actors a hard time and more often than not they make it very easy for us but it's good to know that not all of them are brain dead clothes horses or well directed cattle. Go see On An Average Day if you get the chance. Quick hello to Greta and Rikki who may be dropping by to see the site. Greta is a star of the small screen who has done some excellent work with antique furniture and facial hair. Rikki is a fanzine editor and artist who I hope to be working with if the crap on here in any way appeals to him. Anyway, enjoy! Jess is in Durham with Pippa at the moment, leaving me to catch up on some work - although tonight Mark is coming over so how much I'll get done is debatable. Saying that though, with Jess away I'll probably be up until the early hours. Sleeping alone sucks. I'm slowly getting through the email - apologies yet again. Spoke to Duncan today and he's doing well out in Finland. Also great to talk to Kezza again after so long - I need to keep in touch with you guys properly. The League of Gentleman and pizza await... Mike is blogging to: Zappa

"THE WHO WILL BE PLAYING TONIGHT AT SPRINGFIELD'S HISTORIC YAHOO SEARCH ENGINE ARENA" Here's exactly how the people who just "came upon (the) site by chance" found it via search engines over the last week or so: 'Mike Atherton' 'nappy valley clapham' 'zombie cheerleader costume cat' - this would make a cool comic book 'bse crazy cows animation' 'the little friend' 'Kevin Bacon's tiny penis' - great name for a band 'download David Coverdale' 'garth nix' 'molly ringwald breakfast club crotch' - even better name for a band 'how to make a vagina' - the kind of programming that you find on BBC Choice 'shockheaded peter score' 'BBC Tipping the velvet pics' - all the porn on the internet and people are settling for this? 'vanessa feltz nude pics' - no comment 'animated cubes and spheres battle' 'sarah hawkings pics' 'Emma Cleasby pics' 'Mike Atherton photographs' 'pics of the golden owl from clash of the titans' 'PAUL HOGAN' 'girls-kissing' 'unforgiven starr revolver' 'kirk doglas movies' 'iain sinclair london orbital' 'mike patton on stage banter' 'general patton' 'Donna Tartt Little Friend proof copy' 'cricket infographics' 'Google Search for Scenes from Whitesnake Videos' 'grand theft auto luis guzman' 'she was shaved' - of course she was Mike is blogging to: nothing

"MEAT AND GRISTLE AND HATRED JUST SIMMERING" Although I got a lot of nice emails today I thought I'd post this one up for public consumption: HELLO just came upon your site by chance and decided that you are one seriouslly normal person trying desperately to be a fucked up twat...you obviously are highly skilled and motivated with a clear vision of self. May I suggest a career move into banking or advertising you could then appear as the office joker or the slightly whacky exec. who does funny voices and plays avant guarde jazz on his personal stereo and can quote Satre while retaining an inner core of stability......god you urbanites make me puke get some real anxst or fuck off from the pot. No offence. Name and address available, no intellectuall challenge spurned. AB If anyone knows where I can get some new angst please drop me a line. Mike is blogging to: avant garde jazz

"LET IT BE 10,000 YEARS" Have you been paying attention? I haven't posted in a day or two. I wish I could say that Lilo & Stitch had some kind of life changing effect on me and that would explain my absence but life isn't that easy. Damn Walt Disney to his cryogenically preserved hell. Anyway... I'm rambling. Things have changed. A few of you know why and how but most of you won't have a clue what I'm talking about. Suffice to say that if I had bothered to post here in the last couple of days all you would have read would have been the word fuck repeated a few thousand times. I have not been a happy Mike. Are things better now? I am blogging again - well, things are kind of better. Things are different. Things are less fucked than they were but there's still a lot going on. I'm hoping that although things won't be back to 'normal' they will be 'better'. None of this makes sense does it? Fuck it - go off and read a newspaper if you want coherence. I'm definitely looking for people in 'friend' mode at the moment so feel free to drop me a line. Things on here may get a little unsettled depending on my mood but hey who pays attention to any of this crap anyway? Apologies to anyone whose email I haven't responded too yet - haven't got my right head on for that at the moment. Apologies also to those I haven't been in touch with for a while. Hey Duncan, glad you didn't explode - had me worried there for a moment, everyone you and Anu know ok? Frank - thanks for the conversation - glad you could put the surfboard down and give me a call and thanks for the advice. Stu - nothing needs saying that you don't already know - Thankyou. Anyway... Off to see more houses with Jess tomorrow and a gallery of Mexican fun afterwards. I'm pretty shattered after this week and work is tiring as hell but keep coming back... I will post again soonish. Cheers. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"OH GOOD! MY DOG'S FOUND A CHAINSAW!" Damn, that was funny... Mike is blogging to: nothing

"JOIN THE MOBILE INFANTRY AND SAVE THE GALAXY. SERVICE GUARANTEES CITIZENSHIP" I've got a new mobile number: 07986809107 Anyone who was in my old phone's contact list needs to let me know their digits again - the old phone is all fucked up. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"I DON'T NEED NO ADVICE FROM A PINBALL MACHINE. I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, I WROTE THE BOOK ON LOVE" Jess is out for the evening leaving me to eat pizza and write. To be honest I get more writing done at the moment when she's around. I tend to wander the house like a dog looking for its mistress on the few occasions that we do something independently from one another. Sad but true. The last couple of days have been pretty intense. We decided that the relationship was in danger of floundering unless we gave it a good shake-up. It's too easy to get into that comfortable, secure thing after almost four years only for it to start feeling a little constricting. Get out of the rut before the rot sets in is the plan. Things should improve as soon as we get out of the house. We've had a fair few people looking round the place and some positive feedback but we are both starting to feel that this place is a bit of an albatross. It'll do nicely for someone else's dream home but just not ours. Yesterday we had a fun night that was quite a change of pace. We went to the first night of Fertiliser up at 93 Feet East in Brick Lane. The bill was a lot of weird shit from Norway and about as far as you can get from our usual taste in music but we decided to give it a go. Load of old bollocks of course but it gave us a nice chance to chat and then grab some food afterwards. The music was pretty dreadful. The first act was just annoying - some idiot playing with his equaliser and trying to fill the room with the sound of an old 33k modem. The second bunch of guys were better - kind of like Zappa at his tamest but without the humour. The thing is running for another couple of nights but to be honest after experiencing the new sound of Norway it isn't that surprising that daft metal bands like Manowar are still huge over there. I'm working until 11pm tomorrow so that cuts into the weekend but we have some clothes to buy for Carol's upcoming wedding & some more crap for the house to pick up. Sunday we'll probably catch a movie before I start my shift at the Picture House. Maybe see xXx. Maybe not. Saw Phil & Mark briefly today. Phil is just back from somewhere exotic and looks suitably tanned and trim. Haven't seen him in ages so maybe out with the old shop lot on Monday or Tuesday evening. Just started something new that should keep me busy for a while. Lots more to add but I'm guessing I'll be up late so I'll add more later. I don't often mention the important stuff on here - too busy talking about zombies or robots or robotic zombies... maybe I should mention more often that Jess is one in a million and that I love her more than anything. Even robotic zombies. She puts up with a lot of crap but unlike you lot can't just close down the browser - imagine having to listen to my nonsense 24-7... scary huh? Brave girl. Anyway I gotta go - Pizza is here... Mike is blogging to: Iggy & the Stooges

"NO ONE KNOWS ITS SECRETS. IT'S LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER GONE AFTER BEFORE" I've been indisposed, hence no blog yesterday. For those of you that care, here is a list of keywords that people have been banging into search engines in order to find Sizemore: 'bubba ho-tep sonny chiba' 'Bigtrak' 'The Terrorhawks' 'breast popped out' 'daphne and shaggy fucking' 'buck rogers costume pics' 'Emma Cleasby nude' 'making swish *recipies*' 'screen goes blank starting medal of honor' 'scooby daphne naked' 'dangerous davies bernard cribbins' 'HERE I GO AGAIN ON MY OWN' 'sybian facts' 'scooby doo lampshades' 'Whitesnake' 't1000 the terminator pics' '"sizemore"' 'sybian' 'copy playstation 2 DVD Squeeze' I guess it goes to show that content rules and also that the Internet is a flame to a very bunch of weird moths. 'Scooby Doo lampshades'? For fuck's sake... Mike is blogging to: a Leaf Label sampler

"LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO TORTURE ME, SPANK ME, LICK ME, DO IT. BUT IF THIS POETRY SHIT CONTINUES JUST SHOOT ME NOW PLEASE" Just watched the first part of Tipping the Velvet. Remember the scenes in Blackadder with Bob? Excruciatingly similar apart from the fact that the Rowan Atkinson series was intentionally funny where as the show I just watched was fucking dreadful but had me laughing in disbelief. The tale of an oyster girl who falls in love with another girl called Kitty - full of the kind of innuendo that Frankie Howard wouldn't lower himself to and some of it quite unintentional: "I hope you don't mind being invaded Alice." The sex is aimed squarely at the Daily Mail crowd who will scowl at it in public and wank themselves stupid in private. Television as a rule is bad - Hollyoaks for example, but this is worse because of it's literary credentials. The next time the BBC has money to waste perhaps they should just film Sarah Waters being fisted by Vanessa Feltz. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"YOU NEVER HAD YOUR HANDS ON A TEAT BEFORE?" Stop what you're doing and check out Doc's new site. Wonderful stuff. Its worth baring in mind that "extra consideration is given to anyone wanting me to draw robots..." I'm also happy to report that he gave Freddy Got Fingered a glowing report on his blog. I've been wanting to see this film for ages but Jessop has been making me listen to so called common sense along the lines of it being perhaps the worst movie ever made. I've always known that deep down, any movie in which a man sucks the teat of an animal is going to last longer than claptrap like Citizen Kane. I'm off to HMV tomorrow to buy a copy. It's a disgrace that I let Jess keep me from my destiny for so long. Maybe I should pick up a copy of Dude, Where's My Car? as well. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"HE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME. HE HAS A PROGRAM. HE'S PRODUCT" Mike is blogging to: Double Nickels on the Dime by The Minutemen

"I UNDERSTOOD WRITING COULD BE DANGEROUS. I DIDN'T REALISE THE DANGER CAME FROM THE MACHINERY" OK. That's the main parts of the site done again. Sheesh. Warren Ellis has been watching something called Odyssey 5: "I found myself fascinated by Peter Weller. Specifically, Peter Weller's lower front teeth. They appear to have been hewn from a single plastic block that was then fitted into his jaw with a wooden mallet. It had to be hammered in because it was too long and too high. It is disturbingly present at all times. His upper front teeth are not visible. It's just fucking creepy, really." Sounds fantastic. Mr Weller was the original Robocop, was in Cronenberg's Naked Lunch and was excellect in the slightly crap but wonderful Screamers and lest we forget he was Buckeroo Banzai. He was also in Until the End of the World right? Shame he's ended up on some piece of crappy Sci Fi TV hokum. We had our first potential buyers round to look at the house today so spent the morning attempting to get everything spick and span. What the fuck is a spick? Where does the span come in? Answers on a postcard to the usual address... Mike is blogging to: Double Nickels on the Dime by The Minutemen

"NEVER STRAY FROM THE PATH, NEVER EAT A WINDFALL APPLE AND NEVER TRUST A MAN WHOSE EYEBROWS MEET IN THE MIDDLE" Crap. Just had to simplify the layout for the Mac brigade. Had a lot of emails telling me that the new 'look' went a tad crazy when viewed on Apple machines. Don't worry I'm not going to make any snide remarks about the failings of the new piece of humming eye-candy sitting on your desk. I guess the pretty case gives you something to look at when the machine refuses to let you view a site properly... So I'm back to where I was last week. Got to bring the rest of the site into line so once again it'll be a day or two before we are up to full strength. Mike is blogging to: Spreading the Disease by Anthrax

"MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE" This getting up at 5am isn't too bad after the initial thoughts of murder pass. This evening I may go to the theatre or some English thing up at Goldsmiths - decisions, decisions... Check out the "four-molecule robot consisting of two male and two female molecules" - sexy huh? OK maybe not but these little guys are the first generation of self-configuring robots. If they come across an obstacle they simply rebuild themselves in another shape to tackle it. Kind of like smart lego at the moment but with a little patience we may see the kind of evil Decepticon vs Autobots carnage that we all really want from our robots. Fuck the robot that can hoover the room, we want a robot that can maim a small child. What'd be a better headline than "Jude Law's kid swallows 'E'"? How about "Jude Law swallowed by robot"... The future is good. Mike is blogging to: Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips

"FIRST YOU STRATEGICALLY POSITION YOUR PIECES AND WHEN THE TIMING IS RIGHT YOU STRIKE" It's been a while since I poked fun at religion and it seems there's no need to start again now. All I need do is point your browsers in the direction of a website dedicated to informing all you sinners exactly why it is that the game of Chess is evil. Yes, it's even worse than Dungeons & Dragons: "Anther problem is the power of the Queen. She is clearly portrayed as the King's wife, but granted greater power and maneuverability. She travels and works independently of the King, if nominally at his 'bidding.' This directly conflicts with MANY biblical verses..." I guess once you've had a hard day burning chess boards its time to sit down, get the wife to grab you a six pack and watch the one true god-like event in your life: Monster trucks: If chess is indeed evil then I guess the exact opposite of it is pure good and represents truth, justice and the American way... lets hope they roll some of those things into Iraq. Mike is blogging to: nothing

"DETRIMENTS? WELL I WANT TO REMIND YOU THAT IT WAS DETRIMENTS LIKE US THAT BUILT THIS BLOODY EMPIRE" Dark forces in the North have again attempted to upset the delicate balance of Mikeness in the South. Nothing new but enough to keep me from the cinema this evening. Very annoying. Mark emailed me about an interview he'd read in which an Eastenders producer said he was keen to get Michael Caine in the cast. If such an abomination came to pass at least it would give me a good stock answer to the question of 'why I left the UK' once we move to Amsterdam and San Francisco. Maybe they could dig up the corpse of Peter Cushing and have it leaning over the bar in Coronation Street too. Mike is blogging to: the sound of Jess finally doing some work for Uni

"WHO LOVES YA, BABY?" It amuses me that this week's Time Out cover poses the question "Would you pay $20m for this man?" regarding Vin Diesel. Surely the real question is: where the fuck is our new Kojak movie? Mike is blogging to Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips

"THEY'RE SHITTING BRICKS JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE NO LONGER ON TOP OF THE DAMN FOOD CHAIN" The whole site refit thing took a little longer than expected because the new design knocked a few of the old posts out of whack. All the archived portions of the blog should be up and running again now. Tomorrow I'll get the rest of the site updated. Jessa let me know that the Donna Tartt - Little Friend review of mine is getting a lot of google hits. That's good to know. I did a search myself and it turns out that the review is number six on google at the moment, but seeing as the first hits are all generated from commercial sites like Amazon and Barnes & Noble we're pretty much number one on google as reviews go. The Guardian article on the rung above isn't actually a review either so it looks like we managed to scoop everyone. Ha. Mike is blogging to: Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips

"IN THE GRAND DESIGN, WOMEN WERE DEFINITELY DRAWN FROM A DIFFERENT SET OF BLUEPRINTS" I just checked out how people have been finding the site recently and it seems that Sizemore has its feminine side. The last three google searches that threw me up where cheap girls t-shirts, slumber party and my own favourite: sterilised slave girl. Nice. Mike is blogging to: Raw Power by Iggy & the Stooges

"LONDON. YOU KNOW... FISH, CHIPS, CUP O' TEA, BAD FOOD, WORSE WEATHER, MARY-FUCKING-POPPINS... LONDON!" I was pretty tired yesterday. Oxford Street is getting that little bit more crowded and people have the first signs of Christmas stress. Personally it never really gets to me - as long as I have a couple of Charlie Brown cartoons to watch over Christmas and the occasional dose of Laurel & Hardy then I'm pretty happy. The nice people at Granta sent me a copy of Iain Sinclair's London Orbital yesterday: "It started with the Dome, the Millennium Dome. An urge to walk away from the Teflon meterorite on Bugsby's Marshes. A white thing had been dropped in the mud of the Greenwich peninsula. The ripples had to stop somewhere. The city turned inside-out. Rubbish blown against the perimeter fence. A journey, a provocation. An escape. Keep moving, I told myself, until you hit tarmac, the outer circle. The point where London loses it, gives up its ghosts." Beautiful. So we've got Ken Loach coming into the store today - that should be good. We just got the bumpf back from the estate agents that they've put together on the house. I just read it through and it makes me want to move here. Hopefully we can get it sold early and move our arses somewhere new before Christmas. That would be excellent. Pretty good mood at the moment so not a lot to rant about.... how about if I just mention that the thought of John Major with an erection and Edwina Currie spread out before him, dripping with excitement is not something that the nation should be lingering over. No breakfast for me then. Mike is blogging to: Feminist Sweepstakes by Le Tigre

"LISA, IF I DIDN'T HAVE THIS GUN, THE KING OF ENGLAND COULD WALK RIGHT IN HERE AND START PUSHING YOU AROUND. DO YOU WANT THAT? HUH? DO YA?" Thank the Lord God Jesus Christ for George Bush Jnr. With him around we'll soon put an end to the evil peace plans of Iraq. Maybe after they've won back all that oil the big guns can finally be directed towards the real culprits: goddamn United Nations with their weapons of 'debate' and 'discourse'. Talking and compromise are evil tools of the wrong-doers and we must stamp these things out with as many bombs as we can drop. God bless America and the New World Order. Fuck. Mike is blogging to: The Misfits

"I GOT A FULL-ON ROBOT CHUBBY" Got a laptop? Remember BigTrak? Enjoy: Available from Evolution Robotics - where evolution means redesigning a kids toy from the late 70's and charging $700 for it. Cool. Mike is blogging to: Ozzy

"THE NEW PHONE BOOK'S HERE! THIS IS THE KIND OF SPONTANEOUS PUBLICITY I NEED! MY NAME IN PRINT! THAT REALLY MAKES ME SOMEBODY! THINGS ARE GOING TO START HAPPENING TO ME NOW" New issue of Bookslut is out. Two of my reviews landed on Jessa's desk this month: Donna Tartt's The Little Friend and Booker shortlisted Life of Pi by Yann Martel. I've been trying to get hold of Martel's earlier novel but it's out of print - expect that to change very soon. Mike is blogging to: the theme from The Protectors - fuck yes Mr Vaughn

I GO BACK TO THE HOUSE FOR A BOOK I turn around on the gravel and go back to the house for a book, something to read at the doctor's office, and while I am inside, running the finger of inquisition along a shelf, another me that did not bother to go back to the house for a book heads out on his own, rolls down the driveway, and swings left toward town, a ghost in his ghost car, another knot in the string of time, a good three minutes ahead of me � a spacing that will now continue for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I see him a few people in front of me on a line or getting up from a table to leave the restaurant just before I do, slipping into his coat on the way out the door. But there is no catching him, no way to slow him down and put us back in synch, unless one day he decides to go back to the house for something, but I cannot imagine for the life of me what that might be. He is out there always before me, blazing my trail, invisible scout, hound that pulls me along, shade I am doomed to follow, my perfect double, only bumped an inch into the future, and not nearly as well-versed as I in the love poems of Ovid � I who went back to the house that fateful winter morning and got the book. Billy Collins I started looking on the shelves for the collection that contained that poem but then realised it was quicker using google than actually trying to find a 'real' copy. The future is a scary place to live. Mike is blogging to: Tomahawk

"THAT'S SOMETHING TO CONSIDER - A STUPID ALIEN" Some stuff I wrote on the hoof that I meant to put up yesterday: �There's a poem I really like by Billy Collins that sums up my feelings right now at almost six thirty in the morning as I sit on one of the cold metal benches of Wandsworth Common station. I'll dig it out later and put it somewhere on the site in case anyone wants to read it. I like Billy Collins � nice guy and very funny when he�s drunk but that�s another story. Anyway as I strolled along to the station I was keeping pace with this guy in a suit. We both saw the next Victoria bound train approaching. He sprinted for it and I actually slowed down and �I Go Back to the House for a Book� popped into my head. It�s bad enough having to drag myself out of bed and leave Jess so I can get to work for 7am each Tuesday but there�s no fucking way I�m going to run for a train. I did groan a little when I found out that the next train was only in fifteen minutes time. This meant that I was going to cut it close again in getting to work on time. Fuck it. I guess the main difference between me and the train sprinting fool is that he got into work this morning with plenty of time to spare and maybe even picked up a coffee on his way. I on the other hand had to sit here, slightly cold but having fun being eye to eye with a fox that wandered right past me and then sat opposite until the next passing train sent it off back into the undergrowth. Now, about ten minutes later, things have changed again. The platform is beginning to fill with more men in suits who obviously have the timetable memorised so that they don't �waste� their time the way I have this morning. It's good being me. Imagine having to carry a suitcase full of spreadsheets to work each morning instead of a novel. Idiots." Then later around 11 am: �My new plan concerning my writing is to make the most out of all the free time I have which to be honest isn't all that much. I'm working five days a week at the bookstore and then one evening up at the cinema. As well as my own site I'm working on two others � �Limbo� is just waiting for hosting details from Duncan and I've just put together the first draft of 'Holden' for Mark. I'm trying to get more stuff written for Bookslut as well as finishing my 'American werewolf hunt' stuff off. Sheesh. Throw a full time relationship into the mix and you can see where my days go � I�m lucky that Jess is so understanding. Anyway, I've decided to stop 'wasting' my lunch hours at work simply reading or talking bollocks and so here I am sat in the cafe typing away. The idea is that by writing here I'll free up around five hours a week and get to drink a lot of orange juice. So what's with yet another change of design for the blog and website? Usually it's just boredom but this time I wanted to simplify the whole Sizemore experience. The blog is still the main focus but I'm hoping by the end of the week the navigation will be a lot simpler and make a little more sense. The last navigation menu was big and clunky and the whole site had too many dumb pics so I've fallen back onto simplicity itself with a bunch of good old-fashioned hyperlinks. There will probably be a few teething problems as I rewrite older parts of the site so that they conform to the new look. I do enjoy tweaking the site though � it�s like a virtual nipple. I've been way behind with the media lately so completely missed the winner of the Best British Blogs competition. Not surprisingly it was won by a blog I'd never read before. Check Scaryduck out here. From what I�ve seen of it it�s a pretty interesting site so I'll forgive the Guardian and it's judges for overlooking me. Before i enter next year I think I�ll try and rally support for a good cause too � Scaryduck bloke is raising money for a rescue helicopter or something. Maybe I can get a campaign going to get �Night of the Lepus� released on DVD. Glad to see that Doc is back amongst the land of the living. The movie that he missed the beginning of was Tin Men - haven't seen it in years but good stuff from what I remember. I've always had a lot of time for Richard Dreyfuss. Something that I recently enjoyed a lot was Guillermo del Toro�s The Devil's Backbone. Took me a while to get around to seeing it but it was well worth the wait. More of an old fashioned ghost story than I was expecting after the wonderful Cronos (I'm not going to linger on Mimic and Blade 2) and was beautifully done. I especially enjoyed the flies - nice touch. HMV has a sale on which is very fucking annoying. I keep vowing to buy no more videos, only DVDs from now on but then get drawn in there and end up coming away with a handful. I picked up a copy of Sam Raimi's The Gift which I thought looked terrible from what I saw of it but decided to check it out now that it's cheap as chips. I'm planning to re-watch all the Raimi back-catalogue next chance I get after reading the Bruce Campbell biography. After corresponding with yet another western fan about my piece on Unforgiven I decided it would be fun to compare Eastwood's movie with Raimi's The Quick and the Dead - two very different animals but both featuring Gene Hackman at the core. Should be fun to write - just need to get my copy of the flick back from Carol. I�m trying to think of another good Sharon Stone movie but the best I can come up with is Total Recall which was a bit of a mess huh? Any advances?� Since writing that I remembered Casino. Great stuff but doesn't quite excuse her for Sphere though. Mike is blogging to: Tomahawk

"SMELLS LIKE CHEESE, LOOKS LIKE HAM... OH, NO PROBLEM: IT'S CHICKEN" So I got most of the smaller parts of the site to fall in line with the new design. I'm pretty happy with it so far. Delve too deep though and you'll soon run into patches of the older design. I'll keep at it tonight and try to get it all ship-shape for tomorrow. Drop me a line and tell me what you think. I forgot to mention that I ran into Bruce & Kate on Saturday after the march. Always odd when you look out onto Oxford Street and spot a familiar face. Good to see them - will have to get them over for a weekend of movies. I'm reading about a fine body of film at the moment, classics like Dr Terror's House of Horrors, Tortue Garden and Scream and Scream Again. Nothing quite like a good old fashioned British Horror anthology. We saw The Eye yesterday which was excellent. A nice spin on The Sixth Sense and the Ring trilogy but better than both. Pretty creepy in places, especially the dead guy in the elevator, with a nice selection of charred flesh at the end. You should check it out. Got email from Oz - "Had some yum ass BBQ. Sizzling flesh - mmmmmmmm...." Thanks for sharing, Frank. Good news from Duncan. He just landed a job teaching English. That's gotta help him pick up the Finnish. More later. Mike is blogging to: Whatever by Aimee Mann

"WHY DID HE GROW THAT BEARD? AND HIS POSTURE! HE LOOKS LIKE EARLY MAN" Be a few more days before the site is back up to speed. Waiting for the estate agents to come over and give us their recommendations for making the house more tempting: "Why not throw out all those books and buy some nice ornaments for those shelves. What do you mean you don't have a TV downstairs?" So once I've got these guys out of the way I'll re-blog. Have you seen that ad with the girl living in her own world where men aren't allowed to grow beards? Nice. How about a counter advert where such women are legally bound to keep their opinions to themselves by being forced to perform oral sex on gypsies, tramps and thieves? Just a thought. By the way I had a haircut yesterday but the beard is still firmly attached. Mike is blogging to: Cadallaca

"NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET ANOTHER FUCKING FACELIFT" All change. Reasons why tomorrow. Reduced functionality for a couple of days. Mike is blogging to: the Magnolia soundtrack